The Literary Equivalent of the Art in Saddam's Palaces

So, I'm afraid. I was listening to NPR the other day (because I'm an elitest Jew), and I hear a story about a series of Harlequin books being written about NASCAR. I do a little research, and I find a USA Today article dated January 30th of '06 (I know, not exactly breaking news, but I'm willing to bet none of you have heard of this). So I read the article, and I came away with some of the most disturbing statistics I have ever read. Here is the article with my comments in italics.

NASCAR, Harlequin gear up for love stories

Strange bedfellows, indeed. Or maybe not. If it's true that opposites attract, then a licensing agreement between Harlequin Romance novels and NASCAR Inc., should be a marriage made in heaven.
Seriously? What, did The White Trash Comedy Tour refuse to grant you publication rights?

The first offspring of this new union, a racetrack romance entitled In the Groove by Pamela Britton, goes on sale Tuesday — just a few weeks before the Daytona 500 on Feb. 19. Two other NASCAR-themed love stories will be published this year: On the Edge by Britton in September and A NASCAR Holiday by Kimberly Raye, Roxanne St. Claire and Debra Webb in November. At least 17 more, by various authors, are planned for 2007.

It takes three people to write this shit?

"It's a partnership between two extremely brand-loyal groups," says Kerry Tharp of NASCAR. "We're trying to reach out and do more to appeal to our female fan base."

In a similar attempt at synergy, Playboy is going to release a "Women of The View" pictorial.

NASCAR fans buy $2 billion in licensed products annually. Harlequin devotees bought 130 million books last year.

The moral of this paragraph is: Hicks have way too much disposable income.

"It's a very good fit," agrees Marleah Stout of Harlequin, pointing out that women account for 40% of the sport's fan base.

But 96% of those are illiterate.

"NASCAR very much portrays themselves as a family-oriented sport, and most romance fiction is about commitment and about the promise of happily-ever-after," says Gayle Wilson, president of the 9,500-member Romance Writers of America.

Yeah, it's the commitment flavored soft-core porn. That's the most family-oriented porn of all. That and Taboo and Taboo 2. (Those are two movies that feature a family whose members all have sex with each other.) And there's a Romance Writers of America? And there's 9,500 people in it? Fuck abortion clinics; we need to get the religious right to bomb these things

It's also about making money. Romance titles make up nearly 55% of all paperback fiction sales, generating more than $1 billion in sales each year.

55%? $1 billion? I have no joke for this. These stats chill me to my very soul.

And, Tharp says, NASCAR research shows its female enthusiasts are 26% more apt to read romance novels than women who don't follow NASCAR.

And their husbands are 100% more apt to "teach them a lesson" if they try any of that "uppity liberal tree-hugging readin' shit." And wives of NASCAR fans are 26% more likely to be sexually unfulfilled and need to find satisfaction in the pages of a paperback? Wow, that's something you don't see on any of the NASCAR ads.

In the Groove features down-on-his-luck NASCAR driver Lance Cooper and ex-kindergarten teacher Sarah Tingle. They meet when his car hits her. She gets a bump on the head. He's driven to distraction. When he looks at Sarah, Cooper "feels like he has been shocked by a loose spark plug wire."

Wow. Where to start? Lance? Isn't that the name that Homer Simpson uses when he wants to sound cool? And this is the best prose this side of a Dan Brown novel.

Britton, the author, drag-raced as a teenager and is a popular romance author with a half-million copies of her nine books in print. Dangerous Curves, published last year, also dealt with a racetrack romance.

There are popular romance authors? Do they hold book signings?

"NASCAR drivers are heroes," says Britton. "The books' appeal is that you can put yourself in the heroines' shoes."

Heroes? I can turn left, too. Am I a hero? Is the girl I bang a heroine? How about if I bang a heroine? Does that make me a hero?

And then there are the closet romantics.

"We always felt we have male readers who say they don't read our romance novels — but they do," Harlequin's Stout says.

They are called retarded homosexuals.

I still come back to this: 55% of all paperbacks sold are romance novels. That's a lot of books. I don't know a single person who has purchased a romance novel, and I'm people who knows people. I have never seen anyone in line at a bookstore with a romance novel under their arm. The only place I have seen a romance novel is in a box at a used book store. I smell a conspiracy. I think Harlequin is buying their own books to inflate those figures. However, if that stat is legitimate, then we are a bunch of stupid motherfuckers, and the terrorists deserve to win.